Living in the Middle
Upon examining the book cover, I found myself captivated by the imagery—a nostalgic camper van, a young woman, and a dog perched atop, gazing out into the expanse of nature. This picturesque scene led me to an assumption which deviated from my usual mindset. Although I am well aware of the diverse experiences a memoir can encompass, the cover evoked only pleasant thoughts. My assumption, however, was mistaken. I quickly realized that the narrative I was about to witness would be weighty, frightening, and rather uncomfortable. A sliver of doubt crossed my mind—had I made a mistake in choosing to read this book?
This apprehension does not come from a denial of life's harsh realities; I am acutely aware of them. Rather, it stems from my desire for books to serve as an escape from my own life's struggles. Having endured my share of hardships, I seek solace in stories, television shows, and films that promise happy beginnings, middles, and endings. Author Suleika Jaouad shared, “Some traumas, I learned, refuse to remain in the past, wreaking havoc in the form of triggers and flashbacks, nightmares and fits of rage, until they’ve been processed and given their proper place.” This book was going to be my havoc, and I was going to process my own trauma right now with each page.
Without delving into specifics, I offer an insight into my mind: I tend to overthink, worry, and occasionally struggle with even the simplest tasks. I am perpetually preparing and staying one step ahead in anticipation of life's demands. These actions are the peculiar manifestation of my own personal life trauma. I have grown accustomed to my thought processes and the way I function, but this book brought my fears and struggles, all my vulnerabilities, to the surface. As Suleika Jaouad eloquently states, “Untamed fear consumes you, becomes you, until what you are most afraid of turns alive”. I asked myself, what is scarier than facing death, and at such a young age? My answer was short… I cannot imagine something scarier.
With each struggle Jaouad presented in this book, I found myself healing, taking her words, and applying them to my own life’s metaphorical cancer. I realized I have been too focused on absolutes—either I have moved on and everything is fine, or I am stuck, and nothing can ever improve. However, Jaouad reminds us that life is not so black and white. She describes, “Over the last few weeks, I’ve put so much pressure on myself to be either fully in or fully out. I’ve been so caught up in assessing the risks and armoring myself against them that it hasn’t occurred to me that there is a third way: to let things grow and change and evolve, to uncover who we are and what we want along the way—to live in that middle terrain.” Because of this book, I have given myself permission to live in the middle terrain.