The Messy Business of Forgiveness
Some of Suleika Jaouad鈥檚 memoir鈥檚 most beautiful moments are scenes between Suleika and her partner, Will. Their relationship illustrates the deep value of care and support in difficult times but also raises a difficult question: What should we do when love does not survive?
When her disease was diagnosed, the romance between Suleika and Will was new and fresh, with the normal rhythms of young love (in Paris!) altered by the seriousness of leukemia. Some of the most beautiful moments of the memoir evolve into some of the most difficult and painful moments. After years of being together, Suleika and Will realize that they must go their separate ways.
Although few of us have experienced the specific health challenges that Suleika describes, we can all connect with the experience of disruptions to our most meaningful relationships. In my First-Year Seminar at Skidmore, we discuss the ethics of forgiveness. Many think that forgiveness is inherently virtuous, possessing a kind of holy value. However, as the philosopher Myisha Cherry points out, forgiveness can also fail us[1]. Forgiveness can be used to manipulate, obscure real harms, and sometimes make victims feel as though they must carry their pain alone. Indeed, calls to forgiveness can function as a way to ignore the need for social change[2]. Like any social category, the language of forgiveness can be used in ways that forge deep bonds or in ways that strain them.
We see both of these moments play out between Suleika and Will. Indeed, within two pages, Jaouad describes a transition from one to the other. On her cross-country trip, Suleika reflects on the end of her relationship with Will:
In my mind, I鈥檝e forgiven Will for moving out, but in my heart, I still feel betrayed鈥�. I want him to apologize for the ways he hurt me鈥攖hen I can finally stop being angry鈥�. (284)
One page later, her perspective has shifted, and she realizes that she needs forgiveness from him:
Over the next hour, what鈥檚 left of my anger at Will drains away. In its place, I am able to feel what anger hasn鈥檛 allowed me to feel鈥�. Will may not have been there for me at the end, but he was there for me when it counted. I want to ask him for forgiveness. (285)
Here Jaouad transitions from an attitude towards forgiveness that masked a deep need to express her anger and possibly even a desire for payback to a more empathetic and reflective attitude.
The moment of transition comes when Suleika realizes that she is the same age that Will was when she was first diagnosed (there is a five-year age difference between Suleika and Will). She then realizes the challenges that Will experienced while still being quite young himself. She is struck by the fact that she would not have been able to do the sorts of things that Will has done for her. 鈥淚 am so sorry, I whisper into the dark鈥� (285).
As Myisha Cherry notes, there is no such thing as 鈥減erfect forgiveness鈥濃�攎ost situations that call for forgiveness are complicated and confusing (Cherry 194). However, there is a difference between superficial attempts to move on and more profound efforts at repair. Suleika Jaouad鈥檚 memoir provides an illustration of how moving from one to the other can be a meaningful path towards building something new out of the pain of the past.